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Mitt Romney is so indecisive when he goes to a restaurant he orders everything on the menu. Why? Because he’s never sure what he wants. Or is that too ridiculous?

‘I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose.’
‘I never really called myself pro-choice.’

Show me a career politician who has never changed a position and I’ll show you a unicorn. Then there’s Mitt Romney’s two-faced nature that seems to be an order of magnitude worse than any other.

‘I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.’
‘I did not see it with my own eyes.’

Maybe I can sort out some perverse sense from his seemingly contradictory statements. Like the quotes that follow where he both supports an inflation adjusted minimum wage but then goes on to say it’ll cost jobs. One could argue he thinks the job losses, even if excessive, are justified by boosting the economic conditions of those trying to subsist on minimum wage jobs.

‘I think the minimum wage ought to keep pace with inflation.’
‘There’s no question raising the minimum wage excessively causes a loss of jobs.’

Too crazy? Yep. That interpretation doesn’t pass the smell test. So what’s Mitt’s official position on the minimum wage? I don’t know. I scanned Romney’s 87 page allegedly comprehensive economic plan. It isn’t mentioned. Not even once. Best not put it in writing on anything but his Etch A Sketch.

I can see why many conservatives fought hard to defeat ‘liberal’ Mitt during the Republican primary. The YouTube compilation of Romney’s reversal of positions which follows is hilarious but, most interesting, is posted by a far-right personality.

‘I will work and fight for stem cell research.’
‘In the end, I became persuaded that the stem-cell debate was grounded in a false premise.’

‘It was not my desire to go off and serve in Vietnam.’
‘I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there.’

So I got a laugh out of that video but there’s a serious side to it. Conservatives are understandably conflicted. They’re motivated by desperation to vote for Romney because of their anybody-but-Obama syndrome. But are they really getting someone different from President Obama? All indications are Mitt Romney bends dramatically with the political winds. As long as those winds favor their conservative platform, all is good.

Yet Mitt will change direction in a heartbeat to be as liberal, perhaps even more liberal if circumstances dictate, than President Obama to save his own political skin. Mitt’s bizarre, changing spin on the Affordable Care Act’s mandate proves that. He even went as far as to shove his campaign staff under the bus on that one.

‘I like mandates. The mandates work.’
‘I think it’s unconstitutional on the 10th Amendment front.’

So we can laugh at Mitt’s shifting sands of positions. Maybe the next pair of quotes show even Romney can laugh at Romney. Again, clearly conservatives aren’t laughing. I don’t think anyone on the political spectrum is.

‘This is a completely airtight kennel mounted on the top of our car.’
‘They’re not happy that my dog loves fresh air.’

Conservatives particularly won’t be amused Romney makes them dizzy running in circles around their idol, Ronald Reagan.

‘I’m not trying to return to Reagan-Bush.’
‘Ronald Reagan is… my hero.’

More disturbing he’s seriously flip-flopped on all of their key issues: gay rights, abortion, immigration reform, the Bush tax cuts, a no new taxes pledge, campaign finance reform, gun control, universal health care, climate change, stem cell research, the stimulus, TARP, even his Republican affiliation if you can believe that. Want more details? Go here.

No wonder Conan O’Brien mocked Romney saying his most serious political rival in this election is the Mitt from 4 years ago.

And that, boys and girls, is what makes Mitt Romney the most indecisive man in the world!